Deal With It.

It'd been raining for almost an hour or two. Heavy rain with lightning and thunder. Brrr~
Well, it's the thunder that came so suddenly that really scares me off my feet. You know, the one that either you didn't see the lightning or the one that came right after a split second you saw the lightning. Sounded stupid of me right?

Well, in this situation I was really scared. So scared I actually curled up with my pillows all around me. All alone. So, nobody would see me and laugh. =p It's a good thing right?

At first I was hoping something would happen to me, something nice and warm. But I have to deal with it. It's not gonna happen. No matter how hard I wished for it, it wasn't gonna happen.

Now that the rain is gone, everything became clear to me. I have to stop living a life filled with hopes and wishes. Deal with it that life isn't a fairytale. I'm not a Disney princess. There ain't not gonna be a prince to come and save me.
No matter how much it is gonna hurt or hurting right now, deal with it.

Sounds pathetic? Nah, I don't think so.

Thanks, Mr Cloud. For clearing my view. :)

Was It The Right Or The Wrong One?

Saying goodbye to my Sister, she saw me off at the Starline LRT station at Plaza Rakyat. And so my journey home began, alone.

Upon reaching the station, the very moment I got there, a train came by. I thought I was really lucky. Absentmindedly, I gladly boarded the train without any more thoughts. Only after a few stations later, that was when I realize I could have boarded the wrong train. This train could be the one not taking me to my destination but just right the opposite way. I did some stupid things and I was too mum to ask anyone.

I jumped right out of the train when it reaches the Chan Sow Lin station, the station where you are supposed to switch trains of different lines [The Ampang Line or the Sri Petaling Line]. Initially I was supposed to check if the train that I'm boarding is the right one when I get down at the station. If it is the right one, I'll quickly get back on board and if it isn't, I shall wait for the right one to come.
That was the plan.

However, seeing the train running on the wrong track [at least that was what I thought], I just quickly and calmly got down and stood facing the opposite track, waiting. I never bothered to check the LCD plane.

I just stood there waiting, and see trains after trains just going by but not on the direction I was waiting to see. Yet, I still never bothered to check the LCD plane.
I just told myself that probably at almost 5pm, it is the peak hour when everyone is getting off from work. So that's why the Ampang Line trains are passing by more frequently right now, the same thing would happen to the Sri Petaling ones later on. Just wait.
So, I stood there just waiting, with my mind so absent thinking about some things I should not be thinking.

A girl came by suddenly and asked me where is she supposed to expect the Sri Petaling Line train coming. I gladly told her to wait at the wrong track with me.
It was only a few seconds later then that it struck me that I forgot to check, and I looked at the plane.

It took me after missing four trains to finally realize that I had all along been waiting at the wrong track. FOUR trains, for hell's sake. And because of me missing that four trains, I missed the ERL train and had to wait for the next one to come after 20 minutes.

Brings me back to the question, was the very first train I boarded the right or the wrong one?
Now, I'll never know. All I know is that I've wasted 20 minutes of my life. All of it happened just because I rushed into boarding the very first train that come along, without any considerations in mind. Then I made another mistake accepting what I think to be true, without any effort to prove it.
How wrong more can I go?

Is this how it's supposed to be? Is that why I'm in such a situation that I am right now?

Broken.

It's all broken with just one last line.

"It doesn't really matter."

I know I should be sticking to my very own step I took, that I should not be contradicting it. But I was hoping you'd stay, no matter what, comforting me and reassuring me and giving me back what I've lost.
But this is how you're treating me, with those last words. Words that sting me straight in the heart. Words that tell me there's no turning back, no more hope.

I just wanna know, do u really mean it? Straight from the heart?
From the bottom of your heart?

I still could not tell if it's the right decision made, although I do know it has to be done. I tried so hard to act maturely in making the decision.
It's really what's best for us. I know it is. Please tell me it is.

So why can't I be so-called matured right now? Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why do I regret?
I want to trust it so dearly that it's not over, that there are still hope.
But why can't I see them? Why is it so dark ahead?

Where had my guardian angel gone to?

It Ain't Easy.

Having so used to some situation, one would find that even the slightest change of the wind will cause the whole ocean to be in chaos. Questions arise and brains would go haywire, filled with unnecessary "ifs" and unnecessary "whys" and many many unnecessary thoughts.

I was once in the ocean when the wind took me off. Away to a place I thought where my dreams lie, and now I found it was all a lie. I was misled by what it seemed to me from afar. Though fearful, I did feel warmth that I began to make myself home there, when suddenly the wind came and destroy my little hopes and dreams.

Mr Cloud once offered to bring me back to the dock, back to safety. But I am afraid. I am afraid to lose what I have tried building. I didn't want to leave. Somehow some parts in me remain hopeful, and faithful. Or probably I've just gotten used to this new situation that I do not want to be out in the ocean again. Whatever it may be, I want a second chance in this island of hope. I thought things would heal, for me.

Am I too naive? Or am I too stubborn?
Why can't I comprehend that sometimes changes are meant for betterment?
Why can't I just believe that God knows what is planned ahead for me?
Why can't I just set my sail to the direction of the wind? Wasn't my motto was once "If you can't change the direction of the wind, set your sail to it"?

I'm lost in my very own island of hope. I never thought that even in what I thought to be my comfort zone, the wind could still cause so much disaster to me.
Please show me the right way. Guide me through the hurricane. Prove to me things aren't always what I thought it seemed to be.

Pancake For Breakfast.

I was cowardly enough to endure all the anxiety. Only when I don't remember it, I don't think about it.
Yesterday, upon making up my mind, I finally wasted no time that the moment I can get my hands on to the net, I logged in and terus checked it.

Hmmm... Probably I should be on cloud nine now. But as happy as I am right now, I do not take much pride in it. Noted, not too much larh~
Of course I'm still happy and proud!! D'oh!!! What are you thinking?! Hahaha!

After so long and so many times of dreaming, finally it became true. Finally I get this penyek results. I love the joy of looking at the numbers.
I know I've been hoping and wishing for this since the very first semester in Alpha year, but not once had it come true for me. Ah, I'm just glad it finally come along. Though it was just for this short semester, I'm still glad I didn't fail myself this time.

For this short semester, all I wanted was this ending. Having only two subjects in hand, and one of it being an extra-curricular activity, it's very little stress to handle in hand. Hence, I put myself up and set a target I never get to achieve once again back on board. I told myself I would be the greatest disappointment for my own if I can't do it this time again.
Thank God I did it!! Else, how would I ever be able to face myself ever again? *pfffft*

Oh, I love love love this!! What a motivation for the next semester~! Though this trimester I'll be taking 6 subjects, I'm very much motivated. I know I can do it! All I have to do is just believe and work hard!
Go, Elaine!! *winks*

'Shattered'

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
But it's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

Chocolate Makes Me Happy.

As cliche as it may sounded to be, life is like a box of chocolate. Every time you reach inside, you'll not be guaranteed a piece that you love, a piece that you want. For me, I wish that everyday God will give me a piece of dairy milk chocolate. Something so plain yet so satisfying, something that would make my day. Then, everyday of my life would be perfect. Happy and smooth-going.
But I cannot blame Him when I get dark chocolate some days. Or even when I get the alcohol-based chocolate. There are people out there who loves dairy milk chocolate too. =)

No matter what chocolate I get, it's still chocolate. Is it even true that when I get my favorite one, my life is perfect? Is it true that when I get the one I tried my best to avoid, my life is totally ruined?
This is life. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is ever totally imperfect either.

I'm just glad that my everyday gives me no reason to not anticipate for the next days to come. I'm just glad that no matter what chocolate I get, it always melt away. The taste would linger, no doubt. But pop another one in, you'd probably begin to learn how to savour it.
It's okay not to love it. Just don't hate it. Don't let it conquer your taste buds for the days to come.

Chocolate still makes me happy. =)


p/s: It's an assorted box of chocolate I'm talking about. *winks* Cheers~!

Happy Chinese Moo Moo Year!

Wishing each and every one of the Cina people out there a very happy and auspicious new year. Whether you're full Chinese, half Chinese, quarter Chinese, 33% Chinese, 68% Chinese or 78% Chinese. We all come as one. Enjoy this special day and hope you had a great reunion dinner.

This year, I had an especially special reunion dinner. A lil too bad that I didn't get the chance to snap some photos. [Especially of the beautifully decorated ingredients for the steamboat. Of course by me =D ]
Anyhow, being able to go through it is special enough. Having so many people celebrating it with us is extra special. Having had the dinner in our very new home adds on to the best of the night.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow and all the days to come.
[And of course of all the steamboat meals to come. Brrr~]
Ooo, not to forget what my evil-half told me to say. I'm totally looking forward to all the ang pows to be received. *e-bil laugh* [Pardon my nonsense]

Happy Chinese Moo-Moo New Year !!!
Cheerios~!

p/s: My advise - Don't wear red.
You wouldn't want to get chased by a bull/ox/cow now, do you? *winks*

Happy 22nd To Me!

And so another year gone, another birthday celebrated. Another day of receiving greetings for getting old. Oh, the irony! =p

In the midst of studying and in the midst of all that stress, I still managed to have a blast last night. But I have to say, I didn't expect the turnout.
Thank you all so so much for making it to my house for that big surprise despite exam the very next morning to the Nanotech Gkai and Karen and paper in the afternoon for Juin Hau, and exams on the following day for the rest of you! Love ya all loads!

I thought I knew a surprise was coming along, but credits had to be given to Chee Wei and Yamunah. Okay, so according to my watch you guys weren't exactly on time when midnight strikes. *sobz* [It did made me wonder you know.. =( Hehehe.]
Gosh~! Yam, you're such a drama queen! *ahakz* For a moment there, I did believe that the electricity was shorted, or cut, or whatever. Bottomline, blackout. I did believe it was your "Yamunah's touch". Haha!
For you Chee Wei, good one on the empty cake box. Probably next time you'd like to fill it up with something heavy so it wouldn't seemed so erm...empty? Haha~!

30 Minutes To 22.

Gosh~!