The Month Of Holidays.

Currently, I'm in Johor Bahru. What am I doing here? No reason, except to be with him on his birthday. :)

So, why the title of the post so? No reason, except I'm feeling that I really need to put my plans in action. All plans and no action make Elaine a real bore. So, I'm gonna start with JB. Then it's gonna be Singapore. And then there's the road trip around north.

I can't wait for all these to come along. But for now, I'm just glad that I'm here, in JB.

If I Were There.

Have you ever been in a situation when you are listening to a story told and wished you were there to slap the antagonist back to conciousness?

Well, I have. I've been in a lot of such situations for the past few days especially (never to mention, in my life). Not only was i wishing to slap the antagonist, sometimes I wish I could smack everyone else in it as well. I was practically shouting in my mind, "Oh holy mother of God! Wake up, you idiots!!".

But as sad as it may or would be, thoughts remained as it is, thoughts. Whatever we thought we would do could never be done. One obvious reason is of course, we weren't there at the time it happens. But more importantly is the fact that we still have that little space left from the boundaries of our limits. And this space is what keeps us from bursting into loud gestures, to keep our cool.

For my case. I guess it would be because I never had the privilege to slap and smack anyone in the story. I'm the little character who is expected to just remain silent and keep mum. I'm the background tree that could only listen and sway but never speak up.

Heck, I won't be dumb. There will come a day when I will be there and you (whoever you are) would be getting a piece of MY mind. A frigging huge piece indeed. You just wait for it. Patience has its limits. Peace out!

Missing It Finally.

I remember when I first left Penang for Malacca for foundation studies. I hated the place here, being alone and all. Staying in the hostel didn't help at all. I felt totally dumped. I absolutely remember how Yam and I would fight with Shad about how much better is Penang compared to Malacca. Haha, oh the foolishness back then.

As time goes by, I found friends. In class and in hostel. Suddenly, even staying in that damp ol' dark creepy hostel doesn't seem to be that bad anymore. Laughters had bring life to our hostel rooms. Arguments and naughty taunts just, erm well [as much as I hated to admit this], brought much more than just fun to the times we had in the classes.

Then, I remember leaving Malacca for Cyberjaya after that year. Oh, how I am beginning to miss Malacca already. Maybe it's the company in Malacca that I'm missing most. But Malacca didn't seem that bad when it first was anymore. The hatred has now turned its attention to Cyberjaya, the intelligent land. *bah!* Oh well, it's stupid how it's "intelligent" and yet so dead. While most of my best buds stayed in Malacca's campus, I'm basically here very alone, once again.

Bla bla bla... Time flies. It's finally the time I've been waiting for since the very first day stepping into the grounds of MMU. Haha. Internship!!

And hell yeah, I got what I wanted. To work in Penang!! *winks*

But now, I'm missing Cyberjaya. Okay, fine. So the reason is mostly him. Still...

There was a life there like nowhere else. And the life is called, Uni-life. Cool name, eh? =p

I'll miss you. :) But I missed home too. So boo-yah. I'm going home!! See you again in four-months, Cyberjaya. And you baby, see you in a month.

Cloudy Skies.

The weather is pretty comforting for the past few days. Things had got better since Monday and the clouds have never left me. Even if lightning strikes and thunder roars now, it's okay.
But it's really the weather and the on-going things around us that makes situation seem so comforting and safe at the same time. I've got my comfort zone back once again. Safe and sound.

Cloudy skies especially brings so much comfort. It's like a soft, puffy blanket protecting over your little body in this big big world. It's even nicer when you get to go outside and feel the cold air breezing through. Feel it in your face.
Ahhh, the contentment.

The clouds have never failed to make me realize how much I enjoy just being in this world at that moment. Being the little human that I am. Just being able to look up into the skies and look at the art of God, it really brings me the comfort I cannot describe. Not to mention the joy too.

Everytime I go for a jog, it's pretty much of what I must do. To stroll and look up to the sky and enjoy. [Another good excuse to not jog and laze by just taking a long stroll.]
Yet, everytime it's like magic. Everytime I'd see something different. A different formation. A different colour. All of it seemed so magical all at once.
And I'm always overjoyed. Like some kid who never saw a cloud in her whole lifetime. *blushes*
Sometimes I just wish I have a really good camera in hand, with which I can capture every details of the sky. But... An SLR camera is still too expensive to be possessed. *sigh*

Not to fear though, the sky will always be there above us. Just protecting us little humans. [Unless of course if we don't stop pollution and continue killing the ozone layers.]
So it is okay not to have an SLR at the moment. For as long as my eyes still see, I will not stop looking up to enjoy God's cozy creations and let the clouds bring my troubles away from my little head. =)

It Ain't Easy.

Having so used to some situation, one would find that even the slightest change of the wind will cause the whole ocean to be in chaos. Questions arise and brains would go haywire, filled with unnecessary "ifs" and unnecessary "whys" and many many unnecessary thoughts.

I was once in the ocean when the wind took me off. Away to a place I thought where my dreams lie, and now I found it was all a lie. I was misled by what it seemed to me from afar. Though fearful, I did feel warmth that I began to make myself home there, when suddenly the wind came and destroy my little hopes and dreams.

Mr Cloud once offered to bring me back to the dock, back to safety. But I am afraid. I am afraid to lose what I have tried building. I didn't want to leave. Somehow some parts in me remain hopeful, and faithful. Or probably I've just gotten used to this new situation that I do not want to be out in the ocean again. Whatever it may be, I want a second chance in this island of hope. I thought things would heal, for me.

Am I too naive? Or am I too stubborn?
Why can't I comprehend that sometimes changes are meant for betterment?
Why can't I just believe that God knows what is planned ahead for me?
Why can't I just set my sail to the direction of the wind? Wasn't my motto was once "If you can't change the direction of the wind, set your sail to it"?

I'm lost in my very own island of hope. I never thought that even in what I thought to be my comfort zone, the wind could still cause so much disaster to me.
Please show me the right way. Guide me through the hurricane. Prove to me things aren't always what I thought it seemed to be.

Fragility Of Life.

Since I forgot to turn my cellphone on again after it turns itself off yesternight with its battery totally flat, I missed two important calls from my Dad this morning. They were on their way down to KL again. And this time it wasn't for some holiday, nor was it planned beforehand. Knowing the reason to why they are rushing their way down south really gave me the shock.
I truthfully, seriously never ever expected this. At least not so suddenly, at least not without much warning.
And I'm reminded of the time I got the news of my maternal grandmother. Then two years later, my paternal grandfather's. All of which came to me as the news of the day, came to me as the first thing in the morning when I woke up. I would wish that it all are just dreams, that I would wake up the very next moment kicking myself in the head for dreaming such nonsensical dream. But it all never happen, I never woke up from that "dream". I had to mourn instead.

Death had always given me the fear of losing my loved ones, given me the fear of not being able to see them again. I hoped death never exists, and I still do. Ever since I was young, I had imagined my family to stay as it was that day till the day I am a hundred. Just addition, no subtraction. I never liked to relate death with my ever-loved ones.
And I felt the sharpest pain of losing with my grandmother's passing.

It wasn't that often that I met her when she was alive, but I remember the days when I see her. And who could forget the days when we had to say goodbye. Every goodbye, I was tearful and I long for the next trip when I would be seeing her again. But at least, I get to say goodbye.
Call me silly, but I did wished that I would see the ghost of my grandmother just so I could bid her goodbye one last time. Every turn of my head, I wished to see her face looking back at me. Her sweet smile, her gentle eyes. Just one last time. Just one last goodbye.

Life is so fragile, that you'd not know whether you'd still be here the next second. Life is so fragile, sometimes it's just so scary to miss a single minute of it. Life is so fragile, I never want to think of it ending.
Life should be about living and the process of it, not fearing for it's ending.
For if you do, then you would be looking forward to dying.
Cherish your loved ones, cherish your life. =)

Best Friends Always Stick Around.

Nothing in the world should [preferably 'would'] ever make a best friend do anything in the world to hurt you. As long as you've got the right friends, trust me that you will have them by your side for whatever happens, no matter how busy or how long you've last spoken to each other.

Today, I see two of my closest friends [since Alpha] had a misunderstanding.
I wasn't reminded of any of such event whereby I am the one involved, not to mean I didn't get myself into such situations before [more than once as a matter of fact]. Don't ask me why it is so for I do not know why either. One thing I know is that I felt really bad for these two friends. I wish there is something I can do for them. Afterall it was nothing but just a mere misunderstanding.
What is this about losing each other? *sighs*

Tell you, I never believed best friends existed. Even finding [true] friends had seemed so hard. Betrayal was once forcefully accepted in a harsh way.
Maybe it was just me, maybe I was just being naive.
At least the 'best friend' term had always seemed so alien until I found these few guys. You showed me what friends really are, and I start to believe in friendship. I start to enjoy having friends at the time when I was all alone in a strange new place.
Believe me, you would never know how grateful I am for all that you guys have done for me.
Maybe it was just by chance that we met each other, but it was definitely not by chance how we became friends. And it is definitely not by act how we treat our friends.

This is a post specially for a dear friend, who might have forgotten that we'll always be there for him.
I hope you guys could resolve this ASAP aight? Or else, you can expect my nosy-self coming to you really soon.

Would also just love to take this chance to thank all those who stayed dear to me all these while. You know who you are. :)
Thank you for being there when I was down. Thank you for being there when I was in trouble. Thank you for being there when I needed to be alone. Thank you for everything.
I promise I would be there, whenever you need me. Just gimme a holler. ;)

Just When I Thought It's Over.

I'm feeling so happy for the past two days, minus the occasional sting. Hanging out with just the girls is just so relaxing. There's no need to think nor the need to worry. You just be who you are, you're free to love, free to hate.

As I thought I would be able to start anew after today, I was cruelly reminded of what I feared. Something that I wished never to happen. A situation I never wanted to be in.
I finally realized there's nothing I can do to change it anymore. I had been in it for far too long, unconsciously and quite naturally.
In two different situations now, I wondered where had I gone wrong. I lived my life the way it goes, and I was told I was wrong. But was I really wrong?

I used to blame it on the fact that I graduated from an all-girls school, but if you would think about it, I grew to be far better from the others who're from a similar school.
I am glad to say I treat my [close] friends equally [applicable only if you don't annoy me], regardless of gender.
Perhaps it is wrong to you, but is it really wrong? Do friends really have to be divided in such a sense?

Somehow what I was said of gets to me, and a twitch was felt. I know the reason why. Perhaps I am really at fault? But what is the offense? Who am I guilty to?
I can't explain why but I'm feeling so messed up right now.
I wish to just runaway and never come back, never to be reminded again.

A Week Of Dilemma.

There are times in our lives when some things suddenly don't make sober senses to you anymore, when matters seem to be so alien and wrong. Suddenly, every single decision seem so un-correct and "what-ifs" start to haunt.

That time of my life is here again. I thought it would be a short visit, but apparently it had stayed longer than it is welcomed for.
It started with just a simple yes-or-no question, and it led on to a numerous questions in a string of doubts and dilemma.
Even more sadly, I'm starting to break the promise I made to myself from the very beginning, of which clearly minded that I shall not regret my decision no matter what.

This time around, it seemed to hit me harder than just a mild thunderstorm. All I wanted was just one simple answer. Instead of making the choice, I drew myself deeper into skepticism. With one question leading on to another question, matter in hand starts to become more complicated and out of the original topic. I'm struggling within to find a satisfying, if not perfect, answer for myself. At times I couldn't endure anymore, I told myself that this phase of my life would be gone soon before I realize it.
But I was advised that I should not avoid, again. Things must be set straight, not aside.

Point is, it isn't that I do not understand. These things are fully understood by me. I can even chant all the dos and donts in my life out time and again, with perfect rationale. But, how well can I actually put it into action? How well can my heart and brain accept? I know what I should do at the same time not knowing what I must do.
What my heart says is not comprehended by my head, vice versa.

What do you do when you got on the verge of losing faith?
Is determination more important, as I always believed?
Is determination enough to bring back my faith, and secure it once again?

Me In Two Years...

In conjunction with Gan's blog entry about my previous blog entry *ahakz* [check point #9] , here's a whole blog entry about what actually crosses my mind when I think of me in 2 years-time.

In TWO years....

I'll be urm...23.
I'm graduating from MMU.
I'm praying hard YTM wouldn't call me up in the next 6-months.
I'm probably thinking of furthering my studies for a Master. [Maybe an MBA?]
I've probably went for alot of interviews.
Dad will be bugging me if I have found a job, and whether it'll be in Penang.
Mom will be bugging me if YTM has called.
Sis will be bugging me if my pay is higher than hers. =p
Friends will be bugging me if I have a boyfriend. =.=
YTM suddenly calls, and you hear my world crumbles down.
I'm working as a telephone operator in Telekom. [Say what, 10 years to go?]
To look for Elaine, everyone is dialing 100. [It's free.]
....
End of story.

Holy crap?!

Haha~ Well the one about being a telephone operator was just a dumb joke we always say about our bond with TM. Though so, I'm still in fear I might just be offered something dumb from them. *fingers crossed*
But well, no worries, I'm sure something will come along. I've heard of seniors who break the bonds. =p

Well, I still have a whole two-years to live on by before I need to worry.
Uni-life first~ Study smart first~ Score well first~ Enjoy first~ *winks*


p/s:
Missed my first [and hopefully only] CARE Club visit today. *sobz* Even missed the chance to mess around in Zoo Negara. *sigh*
But because things happen for a reason, Mommy dearest is coming to visit me! Definitely would have missed Mommy's visit if I hadn't missed the Zoo's visit. =D

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Updated at 430pm.
Mommy dearest came to give me durian and my favourite mangosteens. *sobz* Imagine that! Just for that, all the way from Cheras. Well there are other stuffs as well, but purposely she went to buy me my fav fruits. *double sobz*

*sighs* The visit was really short. My aunt and my cousin was waiting downstairs. And right after she left, I realize I miss her even more.
She was talking to me and I didn't know what to respond. I understand how she feels, but....well, I just comforted her with all I can. =(
What more, we didn't exactly talked alot. *triple sobz*

Holy Macaroni.

Alas, alas. Just passed up the last two assignments for the trimester. ^o^
Been staring into the pspice software since yesterday and it is unquestionably not fun at all. But I [Yes, me myself and I~ ] am still quite surprise that I [Yes, me myself and I~ ] did not get all bonkers and haywire. Though it did take me frigging long hours to figure ONE thingy out.
Wait...I didn't even figured it out! Oh God. =.=

*sigh* I was so determined at first to settle this last assignment on my own, of course with the help from some sources. Yet...life is hard. Pspice may be fun, but only to those who understands it or only when your schematics work.
Else, you would end up like me and my housemates. Sitting around, wondering what went wrong and not even know what we're expecting.
Haha. That's the future engineer in me talking.
But thankfully I finished the other assignment before hand. If not, I would definitely be kicking myself. So, the stress I endure is cut by half. :P

Now now, the question is. Should I seriously start doubting myself for choosing this engineering course? I mean, who am I kidding?
Elaine...engineering. Besides the fact that both starts with an 'E', I don't quite see the connections between the two. Even after all these years, meeting back some old friends who happen to ask what am I studying, I still get surprise expressions from them when I mention the E-word [the latter one of course!].
I understand the unexpectedness cause I never thought myself would be in this field too. Let alone excelling in it.

Went to meet my new Academic Advisor the other day. The first time I'm meeting her, and she'd already realized that I'm pretty weak in all my electronics subject. I'm struggling, in fact. I don't even know what is it that I don't comprehend. It always looked so easy, yet turn out to be the other way around. Alan was even cuter, asking me to change to computer major. Thanks for the suggestion but seriously, I still think Nano would be more interesting, to me at least. Else, I would have taken Robotics in Malacca. :P

Well, I'm done with my err...grumblings. I still believe and understand that I've got myself in this shyt for far too long and deep now. No turning back.
Plus, I can't quite see myself anywhere else now. Pretty proud to be here actually, one of the best planned moves for me from God. We'll see where I'll go from here. Probably I might just hit it big time one day soon.
Ha~ ha~ ha~ *oops*

Indecisive Me.

I wanna stop thinking, but I can't seem to.
Why the heck I'm thinking, I don't even know.
There's nothing to consider about, so why bother to?

Let it naturally come about, I will finally know (?).

It's just me. Had always been, still am, but hoping never to be anymore.
Fickle-mindedness is really starting to take its toll on me.

It's bad enough to not be able to make decisions. But it's even worse to change your decisions made, in just a few moment!
Every decision [thought to have been] made will be counteracted with another opinion, quite naturally and quite immediately. In just a split second, you see Elaine in a dilemma once again.

I know there are two sides to every coin. But I know better that for every decision made, it must have been given thorough thinking and made with pure confidence.
Quite disappointingly, I seemed to lose alot of confidence lately. I can't seem to make good decisions anymore. [Or so I thought, hopefully.]
This is no blind-self of mine, this is a very public-self of me.
I'm kinda expecting people to get real pissed with me real soon. *aiks* =(
One day, I know. Soon, I don't hope.

Gotta stop, gotta stop this nonsense! There are so many things running through my lil brainy right now, and added with the indecisiveness in me, I don't think it can sustain it all. o.O
Already I'm feeling lost every now and then, I don't wish to totally lose it all.
So however it may be, Elaine, don't make the wrong moves.
Let fickle-mindedness stop just at those lil petty stuffs, alright?

Shocking Results.

Whoa! Who would have expected?!

Had been on catching up with the news of the polling results since 8pm. And the results are well unexpectedly shocking, I'd say.
Who would have thought Tan Sri Dr Koh Tsu Koon would lose his seat?! [Er, maybe some of you do, but not me. =p ]
I don't know exactly what to feel. I'm pretty enthusiasted about the result and all. But seriously, I have never expected something like this.
Not only is Penang lost to the opposition, many other states are also facing critical result moments now.

I'm seriously wondering who our new Chief Minister would be anyway. What would the 'new' Penang be? Should I be happy or worried?
Many seem to be excited about it. Part of me does too. Hehe.
But whatever it is, let's just pray for the best for the nation and us, Penangites. *winks*


Message of the day:
Happy 21st Birthday, Yamunah!!!
So sorry I could not attend your party. Really wished to be there, but the timing just ain't the best for me. *sobs* Missed the warmth of your family though.
Well, I guess I'd see you in Penang. Will definitely celebrate again with you, just as promised!
Have a great birthday and may God bless you, sweet child~

Voting Day.

*ahem* After 5 years, it's that day again. Vote for the future of your nation. Make the right choice.

Right...Easy said, eh? How would anyone know if they are voting for the right fella when:

• 95% of the people I know whom are voting do not know the representatives in the area that they are voting for
• 90% of the people I know whom are voting do not exactly care about who and who they are voting for, as long as they crossed the right party logo
• 30% of the people I know who should be voting have yet to register themselves
• 99% of the people I know just wanna get over it, fast!

Disclaimer: The figures may not be exact, but hey! You can't deny that it's true. =p

I am 21, and I don't get to vote.
Reason? I could not register myself because I just turned 21 for like, 2 months.
I'm not even sure myself if I'm exactly excited about deciding the next Malaysian government. Sometimes, I even wonder if my ONE vote matters at all.
But my parents had always assured me that it is a 'yes', because if everyone were to have thought the same way I do, then the nation would be screwed. Pardon my language. =p

Well, anyway, today is gonna be over soon enough anyway.
You've casted your vote, you wait for the result. Nobody cared, so stop complaining!


p/s: Oooo, Happy International Women's Day! Hail the women out there! Hail me! *bluek*

Hope. Hopeful. Hopefully.

I have been hopeful for almost my entire life. I hope for this, I hope for that. It's almost as if it is never-ending.
Sometimes, I think I'm asking so much that the God is pretty much tired with me already. Probably He's looking down and say,

"Oh, hie. It's you again. How may I help you again?"

[Alright, it was a lame thing for me to say. So, let's not get too literal on that ok? =p ]

Today, I have been especially hopeful, as I will be for the next two weeks to come. Then, quite suddenly this question pops in my mind,

"How far can hope really bring me?"

And so, I started thinking. I don't even know why I got on to that topic.
I'm not troubled, I'm not even discouraged for that matter [yet?]. I'm just disoriented for a second there, I guess.
Whatever the reason was, I am not desperate to know. It is just something random that somehow got its way to my mind.

Then looking back on my life, it's amazing how far this hope-thing has got me. At the very least, I am where I am right now. It probably ain't the best, but this is what made me who I am.
Sometimes situations may not go my wanted ways, but I've been lucky to have the people around me. I'm proud of myself and of them, for helping me pull through almost everytime. Yes, almost. Hehe.
Hopefully, we'll pull through once again in success this time. ^^

I'm believing in hope. I'll always remain hopeful. And hopefully, life will continue to blossom the way it should be. *cheers*

Sorry Never Seems To Be The Hardest Word.

Especially to our fellow guy friends. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I seriously could not understand why is it that easy to do something that you know is wrong, expecting maybe, probably an apology could settle it all later.
I'm not only referring to the incidents that happened yesterday, not only referring to one or two persons in particular.

I believe I could have been too naive to think that some friends are reliable.
Yet time and again, I never learn that the only person I should rely on is me, myself and I.
Time and again, I never learn that the only person I should trust is me, myself and I.

Back in high school, sorry had never come so easily. As a matter of fact, sorry was never really a word used.
Friends hurt friends and they get away with it. Yup, just like that. Leaving the latter betrayed.
You would always be the lucky one if you're in the big gang. =.=
I've seen lotsa incidents like this happening. Even had one harsh first-hand experience in Form Four.
Thanks to Heng Yin for being there for me to turn to.

Now, as we grow, I come to notice that sorry is said pretty easily. And I'm still wondering why.
If you had known that what you're doing is wrong, why continue?
Only yesterday, I think I've heard a dozen of the 5-letter word. But did it come meaningfully from the heart?
I wish to believe it is. I wish to believe lesson learned.
Sometimes, I just get so tired already that I couldn't even be bothered to continue the conversations.

Don't get me wrong. This blog entry isn't a result of something serious that happened.
It's just something I feel, I know and I truly needed to rant about.
So, bear with me. =)

Pet Fish, What’s It Worth?

I went to the Chew Thean Yang pet shop today with my parents. We needed a new water filter for our little aquarium at home.

CTY is this place where one can get a complete set of everything that one may need to start off the hobby of rearing fishies. From the aquarium tank to the fish food to the medicine for treating any fish infections or illnesses, one can get it all here.
CTY is probably my Mom’s one stop solution centre for our fishies at home. =)

While I was choosing some new fishies to be added to our aquarium, I saw one goldfish floating capsized and the other goldfish were biting on it, eating it. Looking at it makes my heart sore and I could look no more.
Suddenly, these thoughts slipped into my mind.

Are these little fishes safer in my home aquarium?
Are they actually luckier to have been chosen by me?
Do they feel lucky?

Their little lives are so fragile. And I was suddenly reminded of the books I read back in my childhood about children crying and mourning over the death of their goldfish.
I had a couple of goldfish of mine dead since our little home aquarium is set up. I do feel a slump in my heart everytime I see them passing on. But, how long the pain actually lasts?
The next moment you would see us planning to buy another one to replace the one lost.
All I thought of is that, the goldfish is in a better place now. [Corny? I know.]

However, there’s this one goldfish we used to have which left the deepest impression in me.
This little goldfish got caught in between the suction of our tank filter by accident one day and then things got really sad.
It lost an eye, and it sorta had brain damage. It could not swim properly anymore. It practically could only float, upside down.
It could no longer linger around with the other fish and was all alone. Floating directionless, like a lost boat in an ocean.
Everytime we would have to isolate it for feeding where we are required to hold it in our hand and practically force the food pellets into its mouth.
It is so sad seeing it then, because it takes a pretty long and hard time to swallow the pellets.
The saddest part had to be the fact that there is no way to cure it or to make it better. All mainly because it was only a fish. *sigh*

I sometimes wondered, what would I have done if I were the little goldfish? Would I actually be as strong?

Sorry to say, there are times that I have prayed that God will just take it away. But I was never courageous enough to send it away.

And then one day, this strong little goldfish is gone. I was actually relieved. Happy, as a matter of fact.
I guess I’m glad that it’s sufferings are finally over. It was a pretty strong one though, to have survived all these while. It had definitely fought well.
And then another thought came to my mind.

Was it worthy?